Insecurity...

Sometimes, I look around at all the talented people, all the gifts that have been given to others and just feel like I don't measure up. Even now that I've turned 40, things like performing or speaking in front of people reduces me to a beggar. Every single time I take a platform, my mouth gets dry, my hands shake and I have this urge to wretch. I can remember as a child getting ready to perform in recitals or contests, and feeling the exact same way. I remember sitting by my dad, waiting for my turn and pleading with God, "PLEASE don't let me mess up, PLEASE help me do this…" When it was my time, my dad would give me a little encouraging tap on my knee and off I would go… to face my fears.

As I have grown, my pleas have changed somewhat. After diligent preparation, I now plead, "Gracious Father, PLEASE bless my efforts". In the midst of insecurity and fear I beg, "I can only do this through you God, PLEASE don't leave me". After years of knowing that God has gifted me, I ask, "PLEASE may you be glorified through this…" Still begging, still insecure, I rely on God's grace and encouragement every single time. Sometimes, I'm so wrapped up in my insecurities that I can't even pray for myself. Amazingly, God has shown me that I don't have to do it alone. He places people in my life that are willing to see me in the raw emotion, are willing to love and accept me where I am, and will graciously intercede for me. Today, I pray for any woman who might struggle with issues of insecurity, "PLEASE God, grant her what she needs to make it through. Give her someone to encourage her, accept her and lift her up. Remind her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made by You."

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24